Mindcandy Mark III

Self Evident

The United States Capitol, it was one of the last major landmarks MindCandy had visited. Mexico City, Ottawa, New York, Toronto, Los Angeles, Chicago, Montreal, Vancouver.....they all had come before Washington DC.

Now it looked like they would come after....if that was the way the people chose it.

The Capitol Building that had so fascinated MindCandy when he was 14, now held his interest for another reason, he loved to watch it burn. He liked to watch the people pour out of it in search of safety, he had counted at least 11 people who had run for president at one time or another.

The Capitol Police and the National Guard were out in force, harassing him with small arms fire and the occasional artillery round. The Candyman didn't really mind their efforts, he understood they were just doing their jobs. Kellie was a little more concerned at first, but quickly deduced that her new armour made her impervious. She did have fun knocking police cars onto their roofs though. She was in love with her newly added physical strength.

This was it, this was the point of no return, MindCandy thought, after this he could never return to face status again. He pulled all of the energy from the sun, and from the hatred of those surrounding him that he could...and then released it in an explosive blast.

The White Hose became instantly unrecognizable.

It was empty, but it was the symbolism of the attack that mattered. As far as he knew, neither him nor Bride had killed anyone in the days attack, but both were certain the country would never be the same. Then MindCandy saw something that attracted his attention...a news camera.

The Candyman walked over and wrestled the camera away. He held it up to his face.

"Achairde, Mother Fuckers! When discrimination stops, we stop! We will escalate our attacks until you give in, you cannot stop us. Also, I want to remind everyone to vote for Lex Luthor in the upcoming election! He fully supports our mission!"

MindCandy turned the camera to the blazing Presidential Mansion.

"You see that? Are you watching Ben? SIC? The Canadian's have burned the White House again! Don't you love it?"

MindCandy calmly handed the camera back to the news crew and he and Kellie turned towards the road to the Pentagon, the attack was not quite over.

A road block had been set up, DC Fire Department had criss crossed the road, backed up by M-1 tanks. "They think we can't lift tanks!" MindCandy laughed, as he walked over to the capitols last line of defense. The big man did a little dance number, the kind you would expect in a 1940's musical and at the end of the dance he grabbed the tow hook of one of the tanks with his right hand and hurled the entire vehicle skyward. Then he took a bow.

The Tank never hit the ground, it hovered - seemingly impossibly - in the air before lightly landing upside down on the pavement.

"That you Mags...you old kike?" MindCandy exclaimed.

Then Kellie was thrown backwards as if she was shot out of a cannon. The Madman calmly walked out from behind his cover, electricity surrounding him.

"SIC you son of a prairie bred bitch! I've been meaning to call you, how you doin'? I'd like to stay and talk, but we have an empire to bring down!"

With that, MindCandy turned and sprinted towards where he saw Kellie land. His path was cut off by EC, he turned to move around her and there was Ben. MindCandy began charging an attack when a voice called out to him from just behind his right ear.

"Stop this, Jeff....you've made your point, it's enough"

"I can't stop Luke, not until they all learn their lesson."

"Then you'll have to go through us" Ben interrupted.

"And I don't think you can" added EC.

"There's always another option" MindCandy replied, flashing a smarmy smile.

Suddenly Demi and Kellie appeared behind them. "TTFN, assholes" MindCandy chuckled before the three of them fazed away.

"Well that was anti-climactic" SIC complained.

"It wouldn't have mattered anyway, I was hoping he's listen to us but he's beyond reach. If he would have decided to face us he likely would have killed us all. We can't defeat him yet, right now his invincible....we just have to wait.....wait until Sunday." Luke offered.

"I'm going to help with Fire Control" EC said.

"Right behind you" said Ben.

"What's special about Sunday?" Sic asked as the women went over to help with damage control.

"It's his weakness, one of the only ones we can exploit." Luke said "It's the nursery rhyme:
Born on a Monday,
Christened on Tuesday,
Married on Wednesday,
Took ill on Thursday,
Grew worse on Friday,
Died on Saturday,
Buried on Sunday
Sometimes when you steal another's power, you inherit their weakness."

02:17 - 2008-Apr-14 - comments {7} - post comment

One Heartbeat Away.

"So you see, Mr. Luthor - we're preparing to turn this country inside out, and when the dust falls the people are going to cry out for something they recognize, something to remind them of what once was - in short, they will cry out for your reelection. And all we ask in return for this opportunity is one of your battle suits." MindCandy was at his most psychotically seductive.

"I like the fit across the chest, but we have to do something about these colours" Kellie said "I mean purple? No, this thing needs to be cream and crimson." Bride absolutely loved the power she could feel in the suit, but more than that she liked the promise of power, she wasn't just the weak fighter who couldn't stay dead anymore, now she was a force to be reckoned with. After all this suit let Lex go toe to toe with Superman himself on more than one occasion.

Lex Luthor, still reeling from the virtual collapse of his empire was in a more than generous mood, as long as it was likely he had something to gain from it. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, I don't believe so" MindCandy replied "That brings us to you, Herr Schmidt. We need you to help tie together your world and President Luthor's. I hope your run in with the Joker on your last visit hasn't completely soiled you on the idea. We would like you to run as Vice President. What are your thoughts."

"WHOA!" Lex exclaimed "How am I to believe that he won't just kill me and take my place as soon as I'm sworn in?"

MindCandy showed only the slightest smile "Mr. Luthor, I appreciate your concern, but the Red Skull has always shown himself to be a man of honor."

"This is true" replied the Skull "I have been around for a century, I can certainly wait for you to finish your second term before I successfully run for office."

"So you're in?" MindCandy asked.

"I would be a fool not to be"

MindCandy stood and stroked his chin as if in deep thought "Kellie, what issues do you see here, if any?"

Kellie flashed her own sadistic smile "The Constitution says a foreign born person cannot serve as president."

"Ah yes, the Constitution....I wonder what we can do about that?"

Suddenly, without warning, the Candyman lept over the conference table and grabbed the Red Skull by the throat. "I know, we can enforce it!"

"What are you doing?" the Red Skull pleaded.

"I have no problem with you being German, I DO have a problem with you being a pile of Nazi shit! For a genius you sure suck at research...I guess nobody told you I AM A JEW!"

The Red Skull reached into his pocket and produced a pen, he depressed the plunger releasing a red cloud into MindCandy's face.

"Death Dust? You've got to be kidding...I'm already dead, idiot! Steve Rogers was my friend, say hi to him for me, will ya? Let's see why they call you the Red Skull."

Both Lex and Kellie had to look away from what happened next.

"Just like I thought....his skull wasn't red....kinda parchment colored, like normal. He really could scream though couldn't he?"

Kellie reached out for Lex Luthor's shoulder with her robotic arm, squeezing hard enough to get his attention, but not hard enough to do any permanent damage.

"Do you have any questions for the Candyman or I?" she asked.

"No, I'm pretty clear" Lex replied, his confidence apparently unwavering.

"Okay, Kels" MindCandy said "Let's go take our concerns to congress"

"It'll be the most fun since Venice!" replied his companion.

08:55 - 2008-Apr-5 - comments {2} - post comment

Back

Hey, sorry about the absence, but we're back. I decided to go on a little vacation to celebrate being old as all fuck. I think the formation of Operation Israel V.2 is imminent, so the secrecy is going to come back in play, but if you look at the picture I think you'll be able to figure out where we went. You guys are smart.

Anyway, we'll get a new story up soon, and somebody - a major character - a character from the very first MWF entry - will DIE.

Later.

10:48 - 2008-Apr-1 - comments {5} - post comment

I'm OLD.

Yep....31 as of today.

I wonder if I'll have a good birthday?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I think I will.

Definitely.

BTW- If you haven't noticed, I keep her dressed as a schoolgirl basically ALL the time now.

Happy Birthday to me.

04:19 - 2008-Mar-17 - comments {5} - post comment

This Means War

Warning: This might offend some of you, but this is how I deal with things, and you guys that know me should know that I mean nothing but respect. She would know that too.

Luke hadn't wanted to let his two house guests in, he certainly didn't plan on sitting at his kitchen table discussing trans-membrane travel with a psychopath and his almost equally psychotic lesbian love interest.

But Luke was a master of planning and risk assessment, he knew the easiest course of action would be just to give him what he wants and hope that he goes away.

"But look, Bitz. I can't get it to work out, the math is wrong." This was as close to helpless as anyone had ever seen the Candyman.

"What are you using? A Birthday Attack? That's only going to work if there's a real pattern to the crossings, if there's an intelligence behind it" The Moomin replied.

"I just need a way to cause random collisions, and I think....no I KNOW there's an intelligence behind this in some form." MindCandy was lost in the numbers "Still, it's not working out right"

"Here's part of it, this should be a 4 not a 3...you have to be precise when dealing with infinitesimal math"

"Wait....did you just do a 60th root from a 10th exponent, IN YOUR HEAD?" MindCandy looked suspiciously at one of the few people he trusted.

"Well......yeah" Luke replied with a sheepish grin.

"Impressive, I knew I should have eaten you". It was difficult to tell if the big man was kidding.

"You're an ass" Bitz fired back. "I'll work on this and send the results to your PDA".

"Bitz? Why are you being so cooperative? Either you don't think this method will play out......or you know something that you aren't telling me" MindCandy rose to his feet, energy leaping off of him in visible arcs.

"Luke" Kellie teased "I'd hate to think you were lying to us...liars get punished".

The truth was the Luke WAS hiding something, he had already deduced what was happening, he had figured it out long before MindCandy showed up in Sweden. Yet he knew he couldn't tell MindCandy what he knew, and he couldn't tell Kellie while she seemed to be under his spell. Had he a choice, he wanted to see Slade and MindCandy fighting on the same side, but the brutal truth was that the Candyman was too unpredictable to know the whole story, at least for now. Luke was also nervous because, counterintuitive as it seems, MindCandy was very close to the truth with his Birthday Attack - it was better for him to think that a sharper mathematical mind was working on it. Maybe Slade couldn't do everything by himself, but the assassin would have a much easier time without having to possibly have to face a psychotic MindCandy on top of everything else.

He could take Kellie, she would be relatively easy, but MindCandy was another story. Luke truly believed that MindCandy wouldn't kill him, but he would certainly give him a beating, and there were far too many civilians around to even think about going toe to toe with him right now.

"I don't know any more than you do" Bitzky lied "And as far as this attack working, I really don't know. If you're right about there being an intelligence behind it all then it very well might, but if you're wrong - then it's just a waste of time".

"Are you working for Slade?" MindCandy asked "If you lie I will know".

"No I am not" Bitzky answered truthfully.

"I know you're hiding something and you need to tell me what it is." MindCandy seemed almost hurt at his friends secrecy.

There was something Luke was not saying, but in MindCandy's present mental state there was no telling how he would react. Still, he had to tell him something.

"Okay, MC....you better have a seat, you too Kellie.....I have some terrible news." Bitz began to choke on his words. "Jeff...Elaine died".

Kellie sat completely still, staring straight ahead as if she hadn't heard anything. Then she brought her hands to her face and began to cry.

MindCandy also looked as if he didn't understand what he had just been told. He finally looked up at Bitzky and said "You're lying.....God please tell me you're lying." The big man began to break down.

Bitzky walked over and began to comfort Kellie who was by this time rocking with sobs.

Suddenly and without warning MindCandy stood, upending the table as he did so. "Fuck that! We don't cry for her! We don't cry for a WARRIOR!" The Candyman was alternating between tears and unadulterated rage.

"They killed her Luke, they finally killed her!" He screamed.

Bitzky, somewhat shocked at the outburst stood and began to walk towards MindCandy.

"No J, Nobody killed her, she was very sick...." he began.

"BULLSHIT" MindCandy interrupted. "They killed her, maybe not with a bullet or anything like that, but with their policies, with their discrimination, with their petty hatreds. They broke her heart so often that she just couldn't take it anymore. THEY KILLED HER!!!"

"She did everything she could to change things, she was a fighter, and we both know she made a difference." Bitzky protested.

"And what did it get her?" MindCandy spat "Dead! That's what it got her! She was too beautiful for this world, something so ugly shouldn't be able to destroy someone so beautiful!" MindCandy had his hands in his hair, Bitzky had never seen him so emotional.

"J. I think...."

The Candyman slammed Bitzky to the ground without warning. "You shut the fuck up! You're just like her! You think you can change things! I CAN CHANGE THINGS! I WILL Change things! I'll change EVERYTHING!!!"

Bitzky got back to his feet "Elaine wouldn't want..."

"Elaine's gone! But the system that killed her is still in place! How is that justice? How is there any justice in this world at all? Maybe I should let Big Ugly take everything over, even a tyrant like him would be an improvement over what we have now! At least we'd know where we stand. NO MORE! It all changes now! They didn't learn their lesson the first time! Fuck world war 3...get ready for World War ME!!!"

With that MindCandy unleashed a Flecha Del Sol attack on his friend, raising his body temperature to over 11,000 degrees and rendering him a molten, inanimate statue.

"I'm sorry to have had to do that" MindCandy offered "I really am, but I can't have you trying to stop me. Look, I know you think I'm insane, but I'm just doing what has to be done! I want this world to be a better place, and this is the only way to get there! It's the same thing when I have to beat Kellie's ass, it's not because I hate her, it's because I want her to learn..."

"He does it because he loves me" Kellie interrupted.

"Exactly!" MindCandy replied, he then turned to Kellie "you shut your whore mouth while the men are talking!" He joked.

"Look, Luke" MindCandy began, sounding as calm as Bitzky had heard in a long while. "I don't want a world where they can treat Elaine like they did, I don't want a world where people refuse to vote for a good candidate either because she's a woman, or because he's black. Things have to change, and I need to force that change! This planet needs a daddy to come home and lay down the law, and I guess I have to fulfill that role. Things will get better, I swear it."

MindCandy hugged Kellie "Are you alright baby?"

"Yeah" sniffled Kellie "I want things to change too"

MindCandy turned back to Luke "Look, this won't take all that long....I don't think. And just as soon as I'm done I'll send someone over to let you out. Again, I am so sorry about doing this, but you're too good of a person to not try to stop me."

With that MindCandy and Kellie turned and started towards the door. "We'll start in Germany" MindCandy said "They have as much to answer for as anyone" That was the last thing Bitzky overheard before the voices became to faint to hear.

Once Luke was sure the two were gone, he started to shake. MindCandy's brief energy blast had succeeded only in melting his outer layer, he wasn't solidified all the way through. Bitzky quickly returned to his normal state and walked over to the phone.

"Ben, it's Luke. MindCandy just became a liability. Pick me up at YVR, I'll be there as soon as I can. We have to stop him."

03:39 - 2008-Mar-14 - comments {3} - post comment

Hockey IS Life.

I've been waiting until I was sure that they couldn't find a way to absolutely fuck it up, but I think I'm safe now.

How about those Canadiens? Look for them to coast to yet another Eastern Conference Championship, which is saying a lot because Pittsburgh and that Crosby kid have been brilliant.

Also, how good are the Red Wings? Even better than you think.

A Cup final of Habs vs. Wings would make the Candyman very happy indeed.

Let me run it down for you, sports fans - here's what I want to happen the rest of the year (Not saying it will happen,just what I want to see).

Indiana over UCLA in the Mens Final Four.

Tennessee over Stanford on the womens side.

Boston over Houston in the NBA.

Montreal over Detroit in the NHL.

St. Louis over Detroit in the past time.

Notre Dame makes the biggest turn around in NCAA history and goes undefeated, defeating USC twice - once in the National Championship game.

The Colts win another Superbowl, every QB not named Manning is accused of sucking. The Cowboys score only 1 touchdown all season, but it is for the opposing team.

Kentucky explodes.

The Cubs lose to a Little League team from Red Deer, Alberta.

The Braves accidentally fly to Iran and are held hostage. Nobody negotiates to get them back.

The Astros decide to play softball instead.

MindCandy and Kellie Kentuckian Kool go to Summerslam in INDIANAPOLIS!!!! (Guaranteed)

That's all for now.

01:51 - 2008-Mar-13 - comments {2} - post comment

They Took His Shins!!!!

Cotton Hill

John McCain

I'm just saying.....

01:12 - 2008-Mar-10 - comments {2} - post comment

Twice Upon a Time.

There was no way MindCandy could rationalize the things that had just happened.

First, after he and Kellie had crossed over to Burma, they had been attacked by none other than John Rambo - not Sylvester Stallone, mind you - the actual John Rambo. Since the mercenaries attacks all rely on weapons, and because the Candyman is immune to the effects of all traditional weapons, the interruption was really no more than a minor annoyance. Kellie quickly and gracefully took down the aging soldier with his own knife. Despite the ease with which he was dispatched, his appearance made the Candyman nervous, the only thought running through his head was "he's not supposed to be here".

And then things got worse, they had been attacked by a group of Predators. They were easy enough to vanquish as well, they seemed to have no defense what so ever against energy projections. They had managed to injure Kellie before MindCandy could blast them all, but her wounds had long ago healed.

"I don't understand what's going on, there's more to this than what I'm seeing" MindCandy related, mostly to himself.

"What do you mean?" Kellie asked, not knowing if she wanted an answer.

"This has gone beyond comics and wrestling, we're being attacked by creatures from movies.....that's not supposed to happen. Look, the laws that rule Comics and wrestling are the same that run the traditional earth - more or less - movies are completely different. If these guys can make it to our reality, that means what we know as reality no longer holds sway. We can end up fighting the same opponent more than once, and some of them will come from universes where our physical laws don't apply. It's conceivable that we could face something that has all of the weapons to be effective on Earth, but none of the weaknesses."

"I don't think I follow" Said Kellie, who was growing more and more confused by the minute.

"Movies don't have to have any kind of continuity.....with few exceptions they don't have to follow the same rules more than once, Think of the Predators, in the first movie he was defeated by a log, but by the time AVP came out, they could take full force shots from Alien Queens, which is a much more powerful blow than can be achieved with a falling log. In movies the heroes and villains are as strong as they need to be. Also there's no way to tell who we'll be facing, is it the Doom from our reality, or the Doom who already wields the Power Cosmic?"

"What does it matter? So far they've been cupcakes."

"It matters because something has completely destroyed the fabric of existence. Something is bringing these forces to our world and we need to find out who before one of them realizes the opportunity and decides it "needs" to be stronger than we are."

"So we're going to pay a visit to Slade?" Kellie asked.

"No, but he knows we're here, so no use lying low anymore. I need to go see the Moomin. If anyone can explain it, he can."

"He'll be thrilled to see us" Kellie laughed.

"Oh, I'm sure. Now keep your hands and legs inside the ride the entire time, your safety is my main concern"

05:14 - 2008-Mar-7 - comments {4} - post comment

The Long Road Home.

The Candyman laughed, this wasn't a unique occurrence, he was always laughing about something - that deep psychotic cackle of his - but this time it was clear to Kellie that there was actually humor in his laugh. This wasn't necessarily a good sign, certain things made him laugh that shouldn't.

"What's got you tickled, love?" Kellie asked in her seductive Southern drawl.

"It just feels good to be back home, back in human form" he replied with a flash of his teeth.

"Well hon, I don't think we're back home, unless property values in our Hoosier state have really plummeted"

They had never used an artificial portal before, and Kellie knew is was very possible that they had crossed the wrong membrane and were currently on a different Earth from the one they meant to go.

"What have I told you about reading over my shoulder? We aren't going to Indiana, I can't do that while people on this Earth still think me a hero. I need to feed on negative emotions, I need to be feared and hated - not loved and respected, any of the Western countries would be insufferable right now....so boring, and I don't do boring." The Candyman ended his explanation with another psychotic laugh.

"Then where are we?" Kellie asked, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Let me ask" MindCandy walked up to the first businessman he saw and simply said "Namaste". The businessman returned the greeting.

"India" Kellie answered "You finally took me to India."

"Yes, if this would have been Pakistan, they probably would have shot us."

"That could have been fun." Kellie offered, rubbing her hands on his chest. "We are going to have fun aren't we?" she affected her best pout.

"It's all about the fun, kiddo. We're going to have a blast. Let me show you the sights" His laughter was almost uncontrollable. The strange foreigner drew uneasy stares from the people walking by. This, in turn, made him laugh all the more.

"And you promise it'll be a surprise to everyone?" Kellie whispered in his ear.

"Certainly, my dear. The artificial portal is untraceable, and Slade won't notice the disturbance in the constant, not while he's busy protecting the space demoness from Big Ugly. I can't believe he wouldn't realize the signature she's throwing off, but I think he knows that I don't care about the child, so he won't be expecting us. But this is going to be a great show, and I wouldn't miss it for this or any world."

This time Kellie joined in the psychotic laugh.

"That's what I like about your power..." MindCandy said with a smirk on his face "Every time you die, you come back.....Better."

"It's you baby, you make me better" she teased. "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing, let Slade try to handle it all by himself. Watch him get his black ass handed to him a few times, maybe pop some popcorn, get some Red Vines....it's going to be great! And then He'll go looking for Phil, but Demi won't let him cross to that dimension, so he'll call on us...but when he shows up in the Phantom Zone, we won't be there. He'll look like Chris Webber trying to call time out."

"What about the Madman, and Ben, or Neener? Do we need to kill them?" She asked with palpable anticipation.

"No, Bride. We aren't going to interfere with anything unless we're asked. If he desperately needs help, he can have it. We will do nothing to hurt him...we're just not going to help yet either. Besides, those guys are my friends" Again he began to cackle.

"I thought I was your only friend" she responded with feigned pain in her voice.

"No, you're just the only one I need."

"I love you" Kellie said, her eyes rising to meet his.

"And I love you" he replied, passionately kissing her. "Are you hungry?"

"Famished" she replied.

"There's a restaurant, let's head inside" MindCandy motioned to the pub across the street.

"Looks crowded" she offered.

"Sure does, there's a Billion Indians in this country, everywhere is going to look like that".

"Oh" Kellie replied "I am going to love it here."

"I told you we'd have fun" MindCandy laughed, holding the door open for her "Now let's get somebody to eat".

12:28 - 2008-Mar-3 - comments {2} - post comment

Slades Ideas.

Here - I'll start you off with some topics:

a) Think Hunter will finally get the title and is it me or has Orton got the heel role down to a science?

J. says- I have been away from wrestling so long that I find it hilarious that someone can now say Hunter might FINALLY win the belt back.

Bride says- HHH isn't getting any younger, and he still needs to get a few more runs to pass his idol Ric Flair, I think the time is now. I will say this for Randy, he is very unlikable...almost HHH/JJ level unlikable, and that's a rare trait in todays heels.

b) Final Crisis or Secret Invasion?

J. Says- I'm going to go with YES! I can't choose.

Bride says- No.

c) We got Johan Santana....heh heh heh....

J.says- I hated to see Rolen go (He's a Hoosier after all), but I think Glaus will be a better fit. No doubt we'll continue to be the single most dominant team in National League history. You guys keep spending money like you are and we'll start calling you the "other New York Knicks". I've missed baseball, I've missed it so much.

Bride says- I don't like football ;-)

d) Now that you're here - I think I want to start something totally new. Check the blog for further developments.

J. and Bride are standing by, and we might get in on the fun if the opportunity arises.

We gotta go, Hoosiers at the Spartans in an hour and if we don't get to the bar, we'll never get a seat. Later guys.

BTW- New Quarterlife tonight! Watch it at www.quarterlife.com, you'll be glad you did.

12:02 - 2008-Mar-2 - comments {0} - post comment

So.....

I made my triumphant return, and I don't have jack shit to say.

I should it's an election year, college basketball season (and what a soap opera for my Hoosiers), I'm addicted to Quarterlife, there's all kinds of things I should be able to blog about....and I can't think of anything I feel like discussing.

And aside from the general geeky stuff I usually blog about, even aside from storylines, there's Kellie - back home and back with me. She's in a weird quantum state right now, somehow with me, but still a complete lesbian. I don't understand it at all, but I am overjoyed to get another chance with her....at least I think I am. I'm hoping it's not just an ego thing, I'm hoping it's not just about wanting what I shouldn't be able to have. And it's awesome that I can talk about that with her, complete unflinching honesty.

Why can't I blog about that?

She says the same thing, there's nothing to say.

We'll think of something, just give us some time.

07:10 - 2008-Mar-1 - comments {4} - post comment

Not Mine, But Funny.

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement
and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you
have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then ..........
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like
conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then.............
You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case

09:08 - 2008-Feb-25 - comments {3} - post comment

Back (in so many ways)

The Candyman hath returned.

The Candyman has a new girlfriend....you guys might know her.

Things like sexual preference mean little to the Candyman.

The Candyman may have lost his looks and a lot of his muscle and has clearly lost his mind, but the Candyman always gets what he wants.

And he wants Kellie Kentuckian Kool.

I promise to try to explain as soon as I figure it out myself, things have been weird to say the least. I'll try not to disappear for months at a time again. I've missed you guys.

01:47 - 2008-Feb-24 - comments {7} - post comment

What The FUCK is that?

Okay, what is this thing? Is that a Skrull, because I don't want Skrulls in my X-Men (or "New X-Men" as it were) - I want them in my Dr. Strange. It looks like a god damned Skrull. If not is it Peepers? Because if so, Marvel better not count that as a "major death" and Peepers didn't have a tail, did he? If it's Super Skrull then I would count it as a major death, but having the death off panel would be almost as bad as having Black Bolt beat up by Hulk off panel (ALMOST).

Seriously, what is that thing? I don't know why it's bothering me so much.

Maybe it's Pixie's dad. Is Spyne still dead?

Oh, and Predator X? I think Scott Summers looks tasty.

01:19 - 2007-Nov-7 - comments {1} - post comment

Day of the Dead

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the melodrama” Bitz replied “but I’m having trouble understanding why you even care about the world. I thought you were “above” this, or isn’t that what you claimed”.

“No, I said I was above the humans, and to a degree I am. But I like the Earth, I keep a lot of my stuff there. Besides, and I know you may not want to hear it, but I do care what happens to most of you.” MindCandy answered.

Bitzky saw red as MindCandy spoke those words. “Like you cared about Kellie? Like you loved her?”

“I was wondering when you were going to bring that up” MindCandy offered “You can ask me about it, I won’t get angry”

“Why did you do it?” was the only thing Luke could ask.

“I can’t tell you.” MindCandy said smiling. Bitzky could only manage to glare.

“What? Don’t look so disappointed, I said you could ask about it, I didn’t say I’d answer you. Now are we in business?” MindCandy’s dismissive tone was really beginning to irritate the normally patient Bitzky.

“Why should I trust you?” Luke asked, giving his best effort to hide his mounting anger.

MindCandy looked genuinely shocked “When I have I EVER given you a reason not to trust me?”

Bitzky lost control, he sprung up from his chair and launched a verbal tirade. “You killed your best friend….no! You killed and ATE your best friend, you killed BasJohn, you killed Deni, You killed God knows how many people we don’t know about, you torture people for fun, you declared war against YOUR OWN country!”

“I never raised arms against Canada” MindCandy interrupted.

“I’M TALKING ABOUT THE U.S.!!!!!” Bitz screamed. “You live in Hell with the goddess of discord, and have you forgotten? The last time I trusted you, you FUCKING KILLED ME!”.

“Well, I can see your point.” MindCandy replied unfazed by Bitzky’s display of rage. “Still, I never lied to you……..except that story about me and Shakira, not true……..and that time I told you that you looked cool in that Folk Dancing costume……but other than that, I’ve always been square with you”.

Bitzky composed himself, straightened his clothes and looked The Candyman directly in the eyes “Goodbye Jeff, next time you’re thinking about offering me a chance to save the world, just skip my name……go to the next person you know that you haven’t managed to eat.”

MindCandy watched as Bitzky walked to the door, when he was satisfied that Luke was not going to so much as look back, he called out to him “Bitz, please wait. First of all, where are you going to go? You’re in Hell, there’s no connecting flight to Heathrow. Second of all, you are the only one who can pull this off. You are the only chance this mission has, and you might be the last hope of the human race. Why don’t I show you what I’d like you to do and then you can decide if it’s a trick?”

“Fair enough” Bitzky replied, returning to his seat at the table. As soon as he had sat down MindCandy handed him a folder.

“Can you find this, and protect it?” He asked.

Browsing the folder Bitzky replied “Is this even real? And what do you want with it?”

“It’s real” MindCandy answered “And there’s more to the story than you think. It has nothing to do with Jesus or Dan Brown. It’s a Platonic form: perfect, indestructible, and insanely powerful. The Greeks had it, the Romans had it, the British had it, and the Nazi’s did everything they could to get their hands on it. That’s why I need you to go after it, you’re a Catholic so you understand the history of Holy Relics and you’re Eastern European, so you understand the terrain and culture of the place where I’m pretty sure It’s hidden”

“I can’t make sense of this map” Bitzky interjected.

“I couldn’t either, at first” MindCandy replied “The key is locked in this code, you’ll be able to figure out more easily than I could, but I decoded enough of it to know that everything was scaled to Radians, the map is incredibly complex but I think I have the location narrowed down to a country. Another reason I chose you, who else is going to be able to crack this code? Who else would even know what a Radian is?”

“A computer….” Bitzky began.

“No!” MindCandy continued “You get on a computer and Deacon will know right away what you’re doing and if he knows the Slade will know. This all has to be done analog and pounded pavement. Slade can’t know about this until you hand it over to him. I don’t trust that team of his.”

“Why?” This time it was Luke who seemed genuinely confused.

“What is the dominant strategy in the Prisoners Dilemma?” MindCandy asked grimly.

“Defection” Bitzky almost chocked on the word.

MindCandy continued “Exactly, and when you’re dealing with an object of this much power, the temptation may well prove to be too strong to resist. That is why I need you retrieve it, and I need you to keep it out of everyone else’s hands, INCLUDING MINE, until it’s in Slade’s. It would be a disaster if the Vamp‘s got to it first, but it could be equally tragic if one of our own decided to overstep their bounds“.

Bitzky mulled the statement over and then asked a question, more to himself than to The Candyman “And what if once I posses it the temptation is too great for me?”

“I can live with that, Bitz. It’s a risk I’m willing to take” MindCandy answered, it was an answer that Luke found no reassurance in. MindCandy could sense the apprehension on his friends face. “Luke, it has to be you. They can’t kill you, you’re already dead. They can’t turn you, you have no blood to infect. I can’t even bring any of the others here, this is a place for the dead…..even Slade as powerful as he is could only live in this environment for 20 to 30 minutes before it killed him. I can’t tell anyone on Earth because there’s a chance the information could be overheard, and I can’t do it myself. The world needs you to do this.”

“And what if I fail?” Bitzky asked.

“You won’t. I only send the best, you should know that.” MindCandy’s voice conveyed total confidence.

“Then why did you call me Luke? You never call me by my name, why would you say that if you didn’t think this would be the last time you would see me?” Bitzky wasn’t sold on the idea yet, he knew MindCandy was hiding something.

“I was trying to give you some confidence before I gave you the bad news” MindCandy replied “Bad news is that the Vamps are already looking for it, and I’m not sure how close they’ve gotten. To make matters worse the Monks who are protecting it aren’t just going to hand it over, so you‘ll probably have to kill them to get it. I don’t know where SIC and his inbred family are and we know they have the power to stop you, and there’s one more thing…I don’t think the vamps are smart enough to figure it out, but they can hurt you”.

“How?” Bitz asked.

“Well, they don’t seem to have any form of energy projection - so you’re safe in that regard. Thing is their voices. Remember how Demi’s shriek made you feel? It’s like that but worse, they’re capable of emitting a sound at the right vibration to destabilize your molecules. All demons have that kind of scream, it comes from years of agony spent in damnation. It certainly isn’t powerful enough to completely stop you, but it could slow you down long enough to let one of them steal the Relic.”

“I’ll just have to kill them before they get a chance to chat” Bitzky replied.

“Another reason I chose you” MindCandy laughed. “who else comes equipped with built in replaceable blades? You’re not just a walking breast implant, you’re a thinking guillotine.”

“Breast Implant?” Bitz interrupted “You truly are an ass”

“Sorry” MindCandy said, continuing to laugh “It’s the first silicone object that came to mind. Point is you’re probably the 7th most powerful being on Earth.”

“And you’re number one, I suppose” Bitz accused.

“Nope” MindCandy replied matter of factly. “I’m probably number 4 maybe 3, Just below Slade. Of course, he can be killed and I can’t….not really, but my power can be cut off and his is internal, and I can’t use most of my power without killing everything around me.”

“So if you are right below Slade, who’s above Slade? Bitz asked.

“Don’t worry about it. Nobody you know” MindCandy responded. “Are you going to save the world or not?”

“What if I say no?” Bitz questioned in an almost facetious tone.

“Truth?“ MindCandy replied, no humor in his voice “since you already know the location of the Relic, I can’t let you go back to Earth unless you show that you’re on our side. You say no and I’m going to have no choice but to toss you into the sun. Cliché to be sure, and it won’t kill you, but it should keep you tied up long enough for Slade to win his little war.”

“You know I’m in” Bitzky replied. “Were you going to tell me what country I was going to? Because I just figured it out. You don’t think those folktales are true, do you?”

“No clue” MindCandy responded “There’s probably a little truth to them, so you know - watch your back and all that”. MindCandy looked away from Bitzky and towards the door “Here’s your ride.” Demi walked over to meet them. “Now Demi…You drop him off and come straight home, if you take too long I’m going to put my belt on you.”

“Enough with the spanking stuff!” Bitz hissed. “It’s all you ever talk about. Nobody wants to hear about your sexual deviance, Good Lord!”

“You may be right” MindCandy replied. “But seriously Luke, you can do this, I only send the best.”

“You already said that” Luke replied with a smile.

Before he could say anything else he found himself back on Earth - In Romania, Transylvania to be exact. After surveying his surroundings, and making sure his demon transport wasn’t hanging around, he turned to the East and them made a 57 degree turn. Bitzky took his first step on the quest for the Spear of Longinus, the lance that had pierced the side of Christ.

The weapon that could save the world.

12:48 - 2007-Nov-7 - comments {3} - post comment

Buyer's Market.

It couldn’t be real, that was the only logical explanation. He had fought a valiant battle with depression before, maybe it was back, worse than before; maybe he was simply hallucinating. Still, no matter how he tried he couldn’t get reality to return, he couldn’t even see a window to what he perceived as reality from where he was.

Then uncertainty gave way to horror, he was surrounded by the most foreboding landscape imaginable. Bitzky no longer thought he was hallucinating, he knew where he was, he just had to no idea how he had arrived there. There was no fear in the Moomin, instead he faced his situation with a steely resolve. There was a reason he was here, and he just had to find out what it was. He turned to survey his surroundings and was startled to find a teenaged girl directly behind him.

“Why are you here” he asked “are you in danger?” “Let me help you”

The little girl cocked her head and moved to speak, but the only sound that came was a hideous screech. Bitzky felt the sound throughout his entire body. The girl closed her mouth and smiled, and in that smile Bitzky was able to detect evil. It was then that Bitzky understood the situation.

“Vampire” he hissed.

The young Pole went on the offensive, unleashing a kata mathematically designed to be the most effective and efficient method of attack possible. To the untrained eye it must have looked like a dance. He never landed a blow, he should have, his aim and timing were impeccable; but nothing he tried made contact. His hands and feet simply passed through her, like she was intangible, like she was a ghost.

“She was just trying to reassure you” came a booming almost angry voice from somewhere behind him. “It’s rude of you to attack someone just because you don’t speak their language”.

Bitzky didn’t even turn around. “I speak every language, all of them” he almost whispered.

“Maybe all of the languages in your universe, but not all of them from hers” was the reply.

Bitz had triangulated the position of the voice, he was certain that its owner out ranked the little girl he had unsuccessfully attacked. He threw everything he had into a flying side kick, he had learned long ago to go hard and go fast. Whatever was behind him was going to be hit, and what ever he hit would break.

At the last possible second Bitz pulled back, he slid harmlessly into the shadow of a monster. The figure before him was one he recognized, but oversized. At least 5 meters tall.

“MindCandy” Bitzky said in the most accusing tone he could muster.

“Bitzky” The Candyman offered in an almost jovial tone. “Welcome to Hell my old friend”.

“Why have you brought me here?” Bitz asked “It was you who brought me here, wasn’t it”

“Okay, right down to business, that’s fine” MindCandy replied. “Yes, it was me who wanted to see you, but my dear friend Demi is the one who brought you. Her real name isn’t Demi….I just call her that because it’s short for Demon, which is what she is. Neither of us would be able to say her actual name, but luckily her English is unimpeachable.”

MindCandy turned away from Bitzky and towards the little girl “Thank you my dear, I’ll let you know when he’s ready to go back.”. With those words the girl vanished. MindCandy turned again to Bitz. “She simply is amazing, she can jump dimensions at will. I had to use her to bring you or risk one of my “roommates” escaping from the Zone. You understand, I can’t let that happen”.

“So” Bitzky responded “you entrusted my safety to a 16 year old girl, why am I unsurprised”

“Sixteen?” MindCandy laughed. “She hasn’t been 16 for at least 10,000 years. I only send the best, you should know that”.

“You haven’t answered my question, Jeff” Bitz offered “Why did you bring me here?”

“It’s not safe for us to talk here, let’s go to my house.” MindCandy replied, signaling Bizky to follow him.

“You have a house….in Hell” Bitzky replied, genuinely confused.

“Well, it’s more of a mansion…a villa really”. Smiled the Candyman. “Don’t be shocked, remember I spent about 100,000 years here before I learned how to get back….it only makes sense that I’d accumulate something in that time.”

The two walked, Bitz could see nothing on the horizon, but as soon as he decided to voice his suspicion - they were there. It was a Greek revival, only without the revival…it looked to Bitz as if the home was itself somehow brought to hell in one piece, as if it was on the streets of ancient Athens at one moment, and then gone the next.

“Actually, it’s my girlfriends house” MindCandy admitted “but I pay my share of the bills, which since this is Hell and a reality without currency, amount to nothing, really”.

“Oh sure” Bitz began, sarcasm evident to anyone who could hear “it’s your girlfriend Athena’s place, right”

“Athena” MindCandy replied in a deadpan tone “I would never date that bitch! This is the home of Eris, here she is now.”

Bitz reacted in utter bewilderment, it was very rare that he didn’t understand something, but for the life of him he couldn’t rationalize that he was meeting the Greek goddess of strife. “Pleased to meet you” he managed to say “my name is Luke” he offered her his hand.

Eris simply stared at him, surrounded by an aura of contempt. Her golden eyes seeming to stare right through him. Bitzky sheepishly withdrew his hand.

“She’s not much on new people, don’t take it personally” MindCandy interjected. He then turned to the thrones where Eris was sitting with another, decidedly more pleasant companion. “Eris, my love could you excuse us please. And take Helen with you”.

The two women silently left the room, Eris leading the way.

“Was that….Helen? Helen of Troy?” The Moomin asked.

MindCandy put a finger to his lips and signaled for silence “Shhhhhhh! Damn it Bitz! We don’t say the T word around here! You know what happened to that place, right? Fuck, if she hears you say that she’ll be moping around about Paris and Hector for weeks. We just call her Helen.”

“Oh” Bitzky responded. “Why is Helen here, why is Eris here?”

MindCandy smiled “Well, Eris is here because I really do love her, we are two sides of the same proverbial coin. As for Helen…..how can I put this politely? Wpierniczyc komus”.

“I understand what you’re saying, but in Polish you would actually say it……” Bitz responded enthusiastically.

“Bitz?” The Candyman interrupted.

“What?”

“Do you think I care? I was just trying to be witty”

“Whatever” Bitz replied “So…WHY am I here”

“Have a seat and I’ll tell you” MindCandy offered. Once Bitzky has had made himself comfortable, MindCandy’s face turned dark.

“Bitzky” he began “I need you to save the world.”

09:09 - 2007-Oct-28 - comments {5} - post comment

Feel good hit of the winter.

She's singing directly to me!

This may very well be an older song, I'm very much out of touch with popular culture, but Bex just told me about it (Can there be any doubt I have the best wife in the world?) so it's new to me.

Nothing else is happening, just waiting for Slade's storyline to see if I'll be able to launch another of mine. I don't want to step on his toes and there's really only one of you who will work in this story, and I want to see if he uses you first. Actually, since the last abandoned storyline completely fucked up continuity, I can write whoever I want into the story.....anybody want to be my second choice for a third rate tie in?

The world owes me an apology for being the world.

01:25 - 2007-Oct-27 - comments {0} - post comment

Black Adam

Slade is busy rebooting the old MWF universe, so everyone be sure to check it out. I told Kellie about it, and this is our little addition to it. Think of it as a "Frontlines" to Slades "World War Hulk".

“Kellie, it’s not our fight, they didn’t ask for our help, they don’t need our help! You need to stay here.” Of all the things that made the Candyman angry - and there were many things indeed - none was as aggravating as his little protégé, Kellie Kentuckian Kool. It’s not that she didn’t respect him, he knew that she did, it was just that his methods were contrary to her sense of honor, and every once in a while she would get an idea in her head, and she was stubborn enough that such an idea could not be easily removed.

“Why am I needed here?’ Kellie shot back. She was angry, very angry and perhaps a little bored. She knew what the members of her former “team” were up against, and perhaps a little out of selfishness, she wanted in. She wanted to be “Kellie: The Vampire Slayer”. MindCandy had kept her here for what seemed like an eternity, stopping crime in the most dangerous city on Earth. And it was working, the books showed that there hadn’t been a murder in Gary all year - and it was well into October.

But Kellie knew the truth, that Mindcandy had killed thousands, and not just in Gary, but Chicago and Detroit as well, in Kansas City and Saint Louis - all through the Midwest. He may have retired here to play superhero, but he had turned into a tyrant. Mustering as much venom as she could she almost spat words at him “I didn’t sign up for this, you have exiled yourself to this Hellhole, you have no right to force me to stay here with you!”

“You think this is what I wanted?” He bellowed, energy leaping off of him in visible arcs. “This is how it must be! Slade and I cannot and should not be in the same place. He doesn’t need you, he certainly doesn’t need me! I understand why you want to help your friends, but remember - there is a reason I chose Slade! There is a reason I killed Denizen GT, there is a reason I looked right into my friends eyes and killed him - Deni couldn’t handle the power, Slade could - more than anyone else Slade understood what he was being given.”

Kellie had heard it all before, and she understood more than her mentor gave her credit for. It was a world of gods and titans, of balance and treachery. She herself had died in an explosion and came back. Still, she couldn’t understand why Mindcandy insisted that she was so important. The old team had several fighters who were much more powerful than she was.

“When this all started” Mindcandy continued “After Deni, after our “team” completed the task we had set for ourselves, we made a pact: I would stay out of the East Coast, and he would stay out of the Midwest. I have been more than fair, I’ve allowed him to enter Canada at will, I’ve basically handed over the West Coast to him as well. Think of what we went through the last time the constant was thrown out of balance, and remember this......Terry was an idiot - he never grasped what he could do - Slade Wilson is a whole other animal, and sooner or later he will realize his own power. The world must remain black and white!”

Mindcandy laughed, a sneering borderline psychotic cackle “I’m sorry was that racist? Well let my expound: The world must remain separate and equal.” Mindcandy again began to laugh, very amused at his own joke. “As long as we’re never in the same place, it won’t be an issue. Mr. Wilson will hold his end, I hold mine. It’s been hard enough as it is, I truly expected him to become more of a face - because I’m a natural heel, but now he’s forced me to become a tweener, just like him. The balance comes because he hasn’t seen fit to use his power, so I get to feast on the remains.”

“Feast on the remains?” Kellie interrupted “interesting word choice for a cannibal”.

“I’m not a cannibal, cannibals eat their own kind. I’m above this, Slade is above this too but just doesn’t see it. These humans are nothing more than insects, but perhaps less evolved than that: murderers, rapists, child abusers. I do the world a service”.

“And what of vampires, then?” Kellie fired, “not just Vampires, but demons. Doesn’t that require the attention of a titan? If your run of the mill baby rapist is so important that he must be erased from existence, what should an entity of pure evil warrant?”

“The problem has the attention of an titan” Mindcandy replied. “A titan and a group of gods, that’s what he is you know - a god maker. Look at how far Ben and Neen have gone under his tutelage. He creates….I destroy. This is the natural order to the supernatural world. If he wants to be the shotgun that swats flies, then so be it…..but it is his fight, and we’re to be no part of it.”

“I don’t think you realize how important this is” Kellie pleaded. “I don’t think you want to see, because if you saw you would have to act. And you don’t see how important it is TOO ME! These are my friends, and I want to help them. You can stay here and do your thing, and I will return to you, because I love you, but this is something that I have to do so I can look at myself in the mirror from now on”

“The situation is well in hand, Kellie” Mindcandy said, looming above her in a hulking intimidating way. “I will not allow you to be a part of it.”

“This isn’t Latveria, you’re not Dr. Doom. This isn’t Atlantis and you aren’t Namor. I am going” Kellie smiled. “This is more like Khandaq. Besides, it will do you good to lose a fight just once, even if it’s only a verbal one.”

Mindcandy took a step back. “Kellie, I love you, I won’t stop you from walking through that door, but realize that if you leave, you will no longer be under my protection. Make your choice.”

Kellie paused at the door “I have, and I think it’s the right one.” She took a step outside into the grey October daylight. “I’ll see you in a little while” She smiled with a happiness that only freedom could bring.

J. barely looked up. “No Kellie, you won’t. You’ll never see me again”.

In an instant he was on her. Raining down a flurry of punches and kicks. Kellie was caught completely be surprise. She threw punches but they had no effect, she was defenseless. Mindcandy continued his assault.

“You’re an aberration, but you were my aberration!” He screamed between punches “why couldn’t you just listen to me?”. Kellie could detect the psychotic rage, not just in his blows, but in his voice. The big man had completely lost it, he had switched over.

She threw the hardest punch she could muster, and it seemed to knock Mindcandy back into reality. He grabbed her arms and held her down, looking into her eyes, like he was looking at something he wanted to understand, as if he was looking at himself in a dusty mirror.

“I know what you’re thinking, kid” He offered. “Your Christianity is showing. You think I’m evil, but I’m not. You think good always wins, but it doesn’t. I just wanted to protect you” he closed his eyes, seemingly ashamed to look at her.

“Jeff…Jeff, I love you” she said.

“I know” he replied with a smile “and I love you too”

Mindcandy opened his mouth and bit down. He tore away the area of her face from her eyebrows to the top of her mouth.

He stared at the concave remains of his best friends face, resigning himself to what he had done, what he thought he had to do.

He stood her lifeless body, supporting it with his left hand as he let Destructicity wash over his right. He connected with a Clothesline.

Kellie Kentuckian Kool was utterly destroyed.

Mindcandy went inside to get his cell phone, he had used destructivity and was afraid that using the constant any further would upset the balance he was working so hard to maintain. He called the one person he never thought he’d have to call again.

“Slade” he began “don’t say anything, just listen” His psychosis was readily apparent to the assassin on the other end of the line. “I killed her Slade, I killed my best friend. I ate her face Slade, I mean who does that? Why did I do that? I just wanted to let you know that your problems were not unthought of by us, and that we are pulling for you. I’m leaving for a little while, feel free to hunt your Vampires in the Midwest if you have to, the balance will continue. Kellie wanted me to tell you that she said “hi”. Be careful Slade, even gods can die.”

Mindcandy didn’t hang up, instead he simply crushed the phone.

He allowed Destructicity to wash over his entire body, eating him from inside out.

He was going to the only place were he knew the problems of this world wouldn’t bother him. He was going back to the Hell Dimension, back to the Phantom Zone.

Mindcandy began to laugh.

And then he vanished.

05:58 - 2007-Oct-21 - comments {4} - post comment

100% Pure Hatred.

That's how I plan to get into heaven, as the guy who doesn't believe in gods, yet hates them all. Then at least some of the gods will be on my side because they are petty, vindictive creatures.

And the most petty of all is the Catholic God - Touchdown Jesus.

For he has allowed USC to not only win 6 games in a row, the most for that team since the ND/USC rivalry began in 1926, but he allowed the first Notre Dame home field shutout since 1933 and the largest point margin USC has ever had against the Irish. We all knew the Irish would lose, it wouldn't be the greatest rivalry in football if there weren't streaks, but who thought they'd lose like that? (BTW- the Irish's longest streak was 11 wins and 13 unbeaten)

The thing is, I still don't hate USC - I try to, but I like them. I want them to win every game that isn't against Notre Dame or for the National Championship. But there are teams I hate, here are some of them:

The University of Kentucky Wildcats. I hate this team, I hate the school, more than I hate anything else in sports - maybe in existence. I hate them more than all other crappy teams combined and doubled. Whenever there is a tornado near Lexington, I actually root for the storm to hit the campus. I pray that a meteor hits Rupp Arena. That's how much I hate them. I don't want them to just lose - I want them to die.

The Chicago Cubs. And it's not because they are a rival to the Cardinals, because they aren't. The Cardinals are the winningest National league team ever, and the Cubs haven't won anything for a century.

The Dallas Cowboys. I hate Texas, I hate every team in Texas, and the Cowboys in particular. I hate them because unlike the Spurs or Astros they seem to have fans outside of Texas. I also hate that unlike most other Texas teams, they actually win sometimes.

The UCLA Bruins. I just hate them, I hate that they cheated their way into becoming 11 time champions. I hate that for 10 of those championships they were led by a Hoosier named John Wooden. I hate that they don't suck at football like most other basketball powers. I just hate them, I can't really explain why.

The New Jersey Devils. I love their goalie, but I hate everything else about them.

The Michigan Wolverines. I hate that they make up National Championships for their football team (USC does too, but not as bad) and that they count games they never played so they can remain the winningest team in NCAA Football. I hate their basketball program, a program outranked in dirtiness only by UK. I wish Chris Webber had been allowed to stay in college forever, because I'd love to see him call time out at the end of every game.

The Utah Jazz. No....just no. Everything about this team is wrong, not really bad - just wrong.

All Other SEC Teams (except Vanderbilt). I hate the South, and every team in this conference is a fucking degree mill factory school - except Vanderbilt (the Harvard of the South).

The Oakland Raiders. In hell every Monday Night Football game is Oakland versus Dallas. I hate the fans much more than I hate the team.

That's it for the most hated, I should say that I kind of have a love/hate thing with Duke. Coach K is a Knight protege and former assistant at IU so I was always partial to them. I had nothing bad to say about them until their fans started a "Nigger Coach" chant at Mike Davis during his last season here. I like them because of Coach K, but I hate them because they're from the South and their fans aren't nearly as classy as the media would have you believe.

Tell me sports fans, who do you hate?

Lets go Rockies!

12:02 - 2007-Oct-21 - comments {4} - post comment

Hello.

So I had a great time at the Evansville Fall Festival, and today is my youngest sons birthday. All and all, pretty cool little weekend.

We watched Superman: Doomsday, much better than I expected, it's got me waiting for Teen Titans : The Judas Contract (Terra is fucking Slade, if you missed it).

Bride has told me she has no plans to continue blogging at this time, but I may yet talk her into it......but I need to talk her into coming home first.

Any way, I just wanted to say "hi" and let you guys know I'm still alive. Have a good week everybody.

07:04 - 2007-Oct-7 - comments {2} - post comment

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